1. The color of your dress is important.
Angelina Jolie faces criticism of being an alien (what else can explain the lips, the brainwashing of Brad Pitt, the incredibly "iced-over" features, the fact that Salt made almost $300 million worldwide, or her body's unsettling and creepy contours). For women trying to escape the label of "space alien sent to destroy and then repopulate the earth (Jon-Voight's-relatives division)," it would be a good idea not to wear green. (The application of lip-gloss during the ceremony made was a nice "human" touch, but I'm still not convinced.)
This next case is a little different, but stars should also remember that the color of their skin is important. No, not The Color of Friendship important, but important in the sense that Emma Stone looked more orange than [unfunny Jersey Shore reference].
Thanks, Julianne Moore, for proving that sleeves can be a dangerous fire hazard and a life-saving airbag simultaneously. Also, your dress' color looks like the waste outside of a Pepto Bismol factory, or a compilation of the colors of the contestants' bedrooms on My Super Sweet Sixteen.
It's like Precious' fantasy! Only less "fantasy" and more "Jenny Craig!"
(Thank you to Just Jared and Vulture for these pictures.)
2. Ricky Gervais is mean! Or something.
Did Gervais' jokes sometimes border "insensitive" or "rude"? Probably. ("It seems like everything this year was three-dimensional... except the characters in The Tourist.") But before Hollywood has a collective heart attack, I'd like to make two points:
1) Angelina Jolie is an alien
2) Emma Stone's skin looked like processed cheese
Wait, did I say those already? Then I have nothing to add about Ricky Gervais. He was fine. If you really think saying The Tourist was a crappy movie in front of Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie is brash or impertinent, just remember that they can spend their time crying together in a gold-encrusted room, decorated with the skulls of famous Old Hollywood actors. (That's gotta be consolation.)
3. Jane Fonda can be brought back to life
...but only to introduce Burlesque. Maybe next year, Paul Newman will be resuscitated to introduce Cars 2 as the animated sequel that "drove away with our hearts." I mean, think of the possibilities for this new technology that can actually take people out of their coffins, smear them in vaseline, and throw them out onto a stage (slightly inebriated) and then have them reference Cher as a personal friend! Specific technology, but revolutionary nonetheless.
4. Just some other thoughts
-Piper Perabo gets my vote for "why are you here?" and "you have the body of the 2001 version of Hailee Steinfeld, stop wearing gowns." (By this, I mean "worst dressed.")
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| This is Piper Perabo for those of you who still can't decipher who the hell she is. |
-"The red carpet with Giuliana Rancic" should be a vital step in the training of our armed forces.
-Winners that write lists of people to thank are clearly too busy being at these awards shows and boozing it up to realize how boring it is for the audience at home to hear the name of everyone you ever knew condensed into one run-on sentence.
-I do not have the will to even comment on Robert De Niro's acceptance speech, except that he probably hired some sleazy, third-rate comedian to write it for him. What else can explain the random jabs at Megan Fox and immigration? "Maybe it was all part of some elaborate, Joaquin Phoenix-esque pseudo-documentary," he wished out loud to himself.
Did anyone else watch the Golden Globes (probably not)? Thoughts?
