Gwyneth Paltrow On 'Glee'

The title of this post might be misconstrued as some of that helpful advice Gwyneth Paltrow regularly dispenses on her website, but, alas, this news has to do with that show called Glee which, after winning Neil Patrick Harris an Emmy, should just go away. (Also, she's not that gleeful.) Yes, Gwyneth Paltrow will be guest-starring on Glee, which has become the go-to vehicle for celebrities of all sorts (Javier Bardem?! John Stamos!? The ghost of Tim Curry!?) who want to connect to the youngins (we're an inattentive bunch, what with our Twittering and Facebooking and what have you). This got me thinking: which celebrities should make the jump to Glee in order to cling to that last little sliver of relevance they so desperately crave? From least desperate to most desperate, I've come up with...

1. Tony Danza 2. Ironically, the cast of Desperate Housewives 3. The Panabaker not in that new ABC series 4. Zach Braff (But please, no) and
5. Lalaine (Miranda from Lizzie McGuire)

(What? Are you saying you didn't recognize her as "Gossipy Girl" from the smash hit Easy A?)

It's Sexual Harassment, Featuring Britney Spears And Slurpees

(No, the title of this post isn't a metaphor.)

A former security guard for Britney Spears, Fernando Flores, is suing the pop star for some wildly inappropriate near nakedness and having sex near her kids. And for threatening to fire him for making her wait a long time to get a Slurpee at the movie theater. This is weird, because you would think that these accusations would practically be mentioned on the job application. But no, Flores is "traumatized" by these seemingly random acts of sexuality and acting like a really rich, more than slightly-crazy celebrity who goes to fortune tellers but shoots them down when they want to tell her her fortune. And when did sexual harassment become the new irreconcilable differences? Why can every celebrity these days, from Ben Affleck's brother who filmed Joaquin Phoenix's awkwardly public home videos/descent into madness, to that guy from Bones who hates Lauren Conrad, to Oscar-spotlight hogger Al Gore, be linked to sexual harassment? Next thing you know, Mariah Carey will be slapped with one of these suits, which would be completely and utterly inconsistent with her public persona.

The near-nakedness is killing me!

A Third Olsen Is A Sign Of The Apocalypse, Right?

Thank you, Entertainment Weekly, for opening a whole new scary world: A third Olsen sister. And, Elizabeth Olsen, will be starring in an independent movie in which her character escapes from an evil cult and goes to live with her older sister. There are three major ways this film can relate to Elizabeth's real life:

1. An evil cult
2 (and 3). Older Sisters

How To Prove That You're Sexy

1. Pose in a bikini 2. Have an "I don't give a damn" look on your face 3. Marry Ashton Kutcher.. (it's probably easier than it sounds) 4. Take the picture yourself. You're too sexy for anybody else 5. Be 47 6. Make sure hygiene products are visible in the self-taken photo.. you're not only sexy, you're clean 7. Take the picture in the bathroom, there's not a more arousing room in the house than the bathroom  8. Post it on Twitter.. there's nothing that says "young and sexy" like the latest social networking sites