I assume by now most of you are familiar with Black Swan, aka Ballerinas with Lesbian Inclinations Go Crazy and Bleed and Stuff. The film's lead actresses, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis, will both be seen next year in friends with benefits romantic comedies, which is apparently 2011's unnecessary subgenre response to 2010's sperm donor romantic comedies.
Let's connect the dots: Natalie and Mila are both in Black Swan generating awards buzz, both will star in "friends with benefits" romantic comedies, and No Strings Attached, Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher's movie, shares the title of an *NSYNC album. That may seem inconsequential, until I mention that Justin Timberlake is Mila's co-star in Friends With Benefits. Also, did I mention Ashton Kutcher, a former star of That '70s Show much like Mila Kunis, is Natalie Portman's PG-13-rated sex-partner in No Strings Attached? So how do we keep all of this organized and separate? A venn diagram based entirely on the trailers, of course! (Click to enlarge.)
Don't believe me? Watch the trailers for yourself. (Or don't.) I blame the star-whackers for all of these coincidences. And Lance Bass.
Hey, everybody, look at these pictures Aaron Carter posted on his Twitter:
On second thought, that one picture is enough. No need for the second one. (I can't be the only one who is reminded of one of those Power Rangers figurine-things I used to have as a kid.) I don't know what's worse here, the awkward lack of skin he seems to have to cover all of them bulging muscles, or the vein on his forehead that might as well have its own House of Carter spin-off. Speaking of which, this isn't even the most desperate we've seen our very favorite male Carter twin. May I direct your attention to...
Somehow the phrase "I never touched her!" coming up in a conversation between two former heartthrob brothers is actually sadder than the fact that there are two former heartthrob brothers under one roof.
But wait, it can get worse than this. Aaron, welcome to pubescence:
Who ever thought these two could fight!? Or that Aaron could go through puberty!? Anyway, what was I talking about? I got distracted by the sheeniness of the matching silver outfits. Oh, Aaron's muscles and the accompanying claim that he's re-inventing dance. In about three weeks Aaron should learn that "vogueing" already exists, and then hopefully his second stab at re-inventing dance will teach us common folk how to strain our muscles so that our skin seems unnatural and paper thin. Who's psyched for this comeback!?
The title of this post might be misconstrued as some of that helpful advice Gwyneth Paltrow regularlydispenses on her website, but, alas, this news has to do with that show called Glee which, after winning Neil Patrick Harris an Emmy, should just go away. (Also, she's not that gleeful.) Yes, Gwyneth Paltrow will be guest-starring on Glee, which has become the go-to vehicle for celebrities of all sorts (Javier Bardem?! John Stamos!? The ghost of Tim Curry!?) who want to connect to the youngins (we're an inattentive bunch, what with our Twittering and Facebooking and what have you). This got me thinking: which celebrities should make the jump to Glee in order to cling to that last little sliver of relevance they so desperately crave? From least desperate to most desperate, I've come up with...
1. Tony Danza 2. Ironically, the cast of Desperate Housewives 3. The Panabaker not in that new ABC series 4. Zach Braff (But please, no) and
5. Lalaine (Miranda from Lizzie McGuire)
(What? Are you saying you didn't recognize her as "Gossipy Girl" from the smash hit Easy A?)
A former security guard for Britney Spears, Fernando Flores, is suing the pop star for some wildly inappropriate near nakedness and having sex near her kids. And for threatening to fire him for making her wait a long time to get a Slurpee at the movie theater. This is weird, because you would think that these accusations would practically be mentioned on the job application. But no, Flores is "traumatized" by these seemingly random acts of sexuality and acting like a really rich, more than slightly-crazy celebrity who goes to fortune tellers but shoots them down when they want to tell her her fortune. And when did sexual harassment become the new irreconcilable differences? Why can every celebrity these days, from Ben Affleck's brother who filmed Joaquin Phoenix's awkwardly public home videos/descent into madness, to that guy from Bones who hates Lauren Conrad, to Oscar-spotlight hogger Al Gore, be linked to sexual harassment? Next thing you know, Mariah Carey will be slapped with one of these suits, which would be completely and utterly inconsistent with her public persona.
Thank you, Entertainment Weekly, for opening a whole new scary world: A third Olsen sister. And, Elizabeth Olsen, will be starring in an independent movie in which her character escapes from an evil cult and goes to live with her older sister. There are three major ways this film can relate to Elizabeth's real life:
1. Pose in a bikini 2. Have an "I don't give a damn" look on your face 3. Marry Ashton Kutcher.. (it's probably easier than it sounds) 4. Take the picture yourself. You're too sexy for anybody else 5. Be 47 6. Make sure hygiene products are visible in the self-taken photo.. you're not only sexy, you're clean 7. Take the picture in the bathroom, there's not a more arousing room in the house than the bathroom 8. Post it on Twitter.. there's nothing that says "young and sexy" like the latest social networking sites
Remember reading about Taylor Lautner's random diva attitude about how he was suing the company he rented an RV from for causing "emotional distress" when the RV wasn't delivered on time? Well if you didn't, sorry I brought this up. You could live a normal, healthy life without ever learning about the legal problems surrounding a teen werewolf. Or anything surrounding a teen werewolf, for that matter.
Well, the lawsuit keeps getting more interesting (utterly devoid of anything interesting) as the owner of the RV company, Brent McMahon, has challenged Taylor Lautner to a push-up contest in order to settle the dispute. Because it makes sense, you know. Challenge somebody renowned for their physical appearance and their physical appearance alone to an exercise competition. Surprisingly, though, Taylor Lautner denied the request, which got me thinking, which absurd contest would Taylor Lautner actually accept? The ones he thought he'd have a real chance of winning?
1. Smile off
2. Screenwriting and/or taking Twilight seriously competition 3.Pretending to have a personality contest 4. Having unbelievable sexual tension with Taylor Swift-off 5. Lastly and rather ironically, probably some sort of push-up or sit-up challenge
The Emmys were last night. (Betty White joke.) A lot of new winners, like Modern Family, Jim Parsons, and Kyra Sedgwick, emerged. (Betty White joke.) And Jimmy Fallon hosted. (Betty White joke.) Yes, that's basically the Emmys telecast in font form, but with less Betty White jokes. Here's the opening skit, with Jimmy Fallon, Glee stars, Jorge Garcia, and, of course, Betty White:
This was pretty good, with limited cringe-worthy moments, but cringe-worthy moments nonetheless. Jimmy trying to rock out, and yelling "C'mon! Yeah! C'mon!" at people like Glenn Close seemed like trying to excite a retirement community. And Randy Jackson? Alright. The best moment comes at about 6:26, when Neil Patrick Harris feels he might be upstaged for merely singing about remotes the previous year. But then he remembers the Neil Patrick Harris Principle, which guarantees that anything Neil Patrick Harris does is better than whatever people who aren't Neil Patrick Harris do. And he smiles.
Highs:
- Jimmy Fallon's Green Day ode to Lost
- 98% of the Temple Grandin speeches
- That look on Matthew Fox's face when his name was called as a nominee that was so "I ain't winning this for that!"
- Angela Chase winning an Emmy. How do I know it was Angela Chase who won an Emmy and not Claire Danes? The use of the term "for serious."
- The elimination of false modesty from the guy who accepted for The Daily Show: "It's hard to feel bad [for the other nominees] because we work really hard." Can every award show have at least one winner from now on (not named Mo'Nique) that exclaims "I earned this, and they didn't!"
Lows:
- Archie "this is good for my career!" Panjabi
- The popularity contest masquerading as an In Memoriam
- No Tina Fey acceptance speeches
- The fact that Two and a Half Men was included in the "Comedy" montage
- The entire being that is Giuliana Rancic
- Al Pacino's whispered ramblings and the awkward cut to Jack Kevorkian himself
In Betweens:
- NBC's subliminal messages about their unannounced but presumably developed ER television movie. What else can explain the many appearances of fan favorites George Clooney, Julianna Margulies, and Maura Tierney? Sally Field chose the wrong year to suck
- That Top Chef producer who tripped
- Ricky Gervais handing out three trays' worth of beer to the audience. It's a little better than Glee's pizza shilling at the People's Choice Awards, but not much
What did you think of "TV's biggest night"? Or were you busy watching Mad Men and True Blood?
More commentary to come. (Is Betty White the only old woman that it's funny to have sex with? Is it less funny to sleep with Cloris Leachman and Fionnula Flanagan? How do you measure that?)
Also, kill me in the comments for choosing January, if you must. She's a hot mess I can get behind.
David Yost came out of the closet to No Pink Spandex. What? David Yost isn't a household name? Well, does this refresh your memory...
That's better, isn't it? It's Billy the Blue Power Ranger! Unlike Neil Patrick Harris or Lance Bass, Yost probably can't secure a major media outlet in order to document the shocking news that somebody from a 90's show is gay. If it weren't interesting enough that Yost was gay (it wasn't, really), he also reveals that the directors, writers, and producers of Might Morphin' Power Rangers were incredibly anti-gay and harassed Yost until he left the set one day.
The people behind this picture:
were homophobic? People appeared like this on the show regularly. That is, sans shirts and wrestling. And, if I recall, lifting weights was a big part of the show. Even though none of those muscles showed when the Rangers were actually morphed. (I hate myself for writing that last sentence. And for remembering all of this.) But the members of the creative team behind this show (and I use the term "creative team" very loosely) weren't okay with a gay cast member? It's like the creators of My So-Called Life not being okay with teen angst or fabrics that double as couch prints:
In an effort to resuscitate the Emmys (voted on by a select group of Eisenhower's former confidantes), Jimmy Fallon has a new (hip) way of introducing the presenters: He plans to introduce the celebrities with suggestions from the common folk's Twitters. Cause Twitter is what the teens do. C'mon Emmys, are you this outdated that Twitter is your attempt at relevance? If you were going for "relevant," Jon Cryer wouldn't be nominated. Neither would Tony Shalhoub. But this idea wouldn't have been as sad if Jimmy didn't give a really lame, half-assed example of how he'll incorporate the tweets into the introductions:
"Blahblahblah says Jon Hamm is the hottest guy of all time. Here he is — Jon Hamm"
Now it feels less like a "young person!" gimmick, and more like Jimmy is completely out of ideas and actually needs suggestions on how to introduce the presenters. The hottest guy of all time? And Tina Fey is the funniest woman of all time! And Matthew Perry is the best Friend of all time! Jimmy, these practically write themselves. What do you need our help for?
Angelina Jolie is planning on writing, directing, and possibly starring in a love story during the Bosnian War. It's being reported that Angelina is currently leaning towards not starring in the movie, so all she has to do is find somebody who wants to spend months of their time with the Jolie-Pitts in Hungary (where the film's being shot)... George Clooney? Or is he too busy being that lovable, scruffy, practical joker we all know and just adore? In that case, I'm fresh out of ideas. But, word is, Jennifer Aniston's ever-deepening hole of depression and loneliness she resides in is getting deeper and deeper after her sperm-donor romantic comedy flopped at the box-office. Could this be the hit she needs? Things that may happen if Angelina Jolie directs Jennifer Aniston: 1. Universe implosion 2. Ken Baker having an orgasm 3. Gwyneth Paltrow commentary (the best kind, no?) on how she, too, has had to spend time with Brad after they split.
KSo Kthe Kpremiere Kof Kthe Knew Kseason Kof KKeeping KUp KWith KThe KKardashians Kposted Krecord Kratings. (Yes, Khloe, Kim, and Kourtney, that's what it's like for the rest of us.)
And it's been reported that Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino will make $5 million by the end of 2010, so it's been a pretty solid day for people who have surprisingly influential body parts. (See: Kim's ass, The Situation's abs.) There are only a few things that make me sadder than the fact that somebody whose nickname is "The Situation" is making more money than anybody whose nickname is "The Situation" ever should be, and they are 1. Famine 2. Nuclear holocaust 3. This interviewer 4. Cameron Diaz's smile's ability to convey "See my movie!" and "Pity me" at the same time 5. The fact that GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow's self-help website, is available en español. A lot of Gwyneth's Spanish friends like to know her detox tips.
It's my first post, in case you couldn't tell from the lack of previous posting, or maybe it was the title that tipped you off?
So what's this all about? Let the colon direct you to that:
This blog has been created to make sure the annoyingness of certain celebrities/media personalities (hey there, country star Gwyneth!) don't go unchecked.
It's comments like Oliver Stone's recent confession in which he said his films as of late get mixed reception because critics are holding a grudge against him because they just totally hated JFK, and not because he makes questionable decisions, like having a 35 year old actress portray the mother of a 34 year old actor, that will keep this blog going.
So, here's to you, Megan Foxes and Real Housewives of the world. Thanks for the inspiration!
So many Housewives! Enough to topple Andy Cohen's regime? Hopefully.
